This pain is just too real...

hey everyone. tried to load a pic of me to put in my profile but it won't work so u can't see my beautiful face. tear. ; ) hmmm so i'm bored right now, all ym orch friends are at a spain meeting, god i'm jealous! i wanna go!!! and i'm like gettig sick so i haveno energy to do anything else. lookin forward to tomorrow for sure cuz its friday FINALLY and nancy and alicia and i are goin to katie's skate show. Should be fun. Kinda switchy moods today like at school i was kinda happy, it's thursday which means almost friday and i was happy with everything. got ta hang with some different people at lunch today which was cool cept for the aht test afterwards. : / but yea idk now i'm just like ehhhh. i dont like being like ehhhhhh. cuz i'm not tired enough to sleep but i don't have energy for anyting else. I can't even write a good blog entry. Really want school just to be over right now. I'm jealous john, ur done in like a week. we have like 3 more triple ehhhhhhh. so yea.....idk somewhat discouraged at the moment. not too happy with myself *...could u look me in the eye and tell me that ur happy now...* I can't keep friends which completely sucks. I can't express my feelings, i'm totally gunna end up with no one. Yea maybe a little over dramatic, but hey i'm a pessimist. God i miss amanda so much. i've tried to accept us not being friends like all year but i can't, yet i have no idea how to fix things or if i CAN fix things. We're just SO far apart now, like our lives are so different and so are our friends. But i'm not even kidding everytime i pass her in the hall and we give eachother that umm hi kinda smile it really makes me wanna just burst into tears. sometimes i think i actually will and others its just like omg what the hell happened but either way it makes me depressed. And then gymnastics....ugh......just not going so well these days. Like on monday everyhting went really well and i was like wow i could make seven like NEXT YEAR! which would be like AMAZING for me. but then yesterday I kept bauking on my flyaways and my body felt like it was falling apart and during strength i seriously thought i was gunna black out. And then missy was like if u keep bauking and dont start connecting routines it'll really be a set back for you. And it was just like thanks so much, really wanted to hear that right about now. But i guess you hafta have some downfalls and set backs because otherwise you wont enjoy success as much, because conquering something is amazing, like my beam dismount on monday, i FINALLY made like 4 by myself, which shouldn't be impressive but for me it is because that's like my biggest problem on beam. omg monday was like the best practice of my life. i luv krissy so much, she's so much more like a friend than missy is, to me at least. can't wait to go to camp this year cept for my stupid back. alright well this is plenty long and boring so i'll quit and try to go to bed. sweet dreams everyone.

madelyn

*.....cuz your presence still lingers here and it wont leave me alone, these wounds wont seem to heal this pain is just too real, there's just too much that time cannot erase....*

Holding Out For A Hero

Cities Your Most Likely to Live In (taken from quiz results)
AUstin
San Diego
Atlanta
Honolulu
Denver

yeah right! i don't like this quiz very much. I don't wanna live in Austin! i wanna live in like chicago or on the ocean somewhere, not in texas! k well thats all i wanted to say. update later. LATE START TOMARA!!!!! YES! ok i'm done ttyl.

*....oh baby give one more chance, to show u that i love you.....*

I Heart Weekends

My weekend... Amazing! Nancy and I went to caribou/brueggers on friday and called katie to c if she wanted to hang with us. so she came over for pizza and then we played bs, twister and totally ran/danced all around the house. "left foooot Greeeeen!" OMG that was so fun i swear i was high. Then Saturday I had practice where I ran a mile and did some weight rm, def. sore from that. And then nancy brandon and I went to sydney's and "played" some soccer, watched ladder 49/made fun of nancy and brandon and played like mario cart of w/e. Wow what a good time. I really wanna get to know sydney more, she's awesome. Agh sometimes I really hate how i'm so shy. Anyways then today I went to the lake to help with chores and stuff and did some hw so not nearly as good as yesterday but not bad. Well I wanna get my week off to a good start so i'm gonna go to bed early, well try at least. So write more like tomara.

Hasta Luego!

Madelyn

*...I don't wanna wait for our lives to be over i want to know right now what will it be? I don't wanna wait for our livews to be over, will it be yes or will it be sorry....*

update

hey so havent updated in a couple days and just thought i would cuz i hate when people dont update, plus i'm bored. so not much new here. I'm going to Hamline Gymnastics Camp with a few other ppl on my team and roomin with danni. that should be fun. I really hafta figure out my volunteer stuff for summer cuz i really wanna do something, like coach little kids or sumthing but idk who ta tlak to really and i kinda doubt they'd let me cuz i'd be like liable or w/e. But i'd be fun. otherwise i hafta find something else which i should be looking into. God i'm jealous like everyone has a bf....not me of course, i dont even like anyone...really, right now. I really needa start liking ppl i actually have a chance with, like maybe ppl that are actually in my grade. but yeah. Well this has taken me long enough so update later when i can make it more interesting.

peace n love

madelyn

*....breathe stretch shake let it go!....* Almost forgot the song lyrics and can't think of anything better and i'm listenin to this so there ya go.

SO HAPPPPPPPPPPYYYY!

HEY YALL! I'M IN SUCH A GOOD MOOD RIGHT NOW AND I'M NOT SURE WHY. WELL IT WAS GREAT OUTSIDE AGAIN AND I HAD LIKE 20 OF HW AND GYMNASTICS TOTALLY ROCKED BUT YA KNO. Ok couldn't handle the caps lock anymore. Anyways sometimes i feel like quitting gymnastics but somehow i never do. Well tonite really proved y i don't, i had so much fun, even on beam! which is like crazy. But i'm really lovin life right now, it's just like everything's going my way right now. I mean considering how like depressed i was earlier this year its amazing how good my life is now. I LOVE IT! like the only thing that would make me even happier right now would be to be able to hang with john but i will in july when we're COUSINS! cuz craig's getting married!!!!!!! ok i better go. i need my beauty sleep ; )

*insert good sign off line here*

Madelyn

*...show me how u want it to be tell me baby cuz i need to know now OHHH because my lonliness is killing me andddd I must confess i still believe STILL BELIEVE if i'm not with u i lose my mind, give me a sign...hit me baby UHHHH!....* LOL!!!! only nancy, katie monique and mike'll get this one ; )

more of my wonderful poetry

hey just wanted to update but i don't have a whole lot more to say. My weekend was really good, it felt a lot like summer cuz i had no hw and it was b-e-a uuuuutiful outside. anyways i have a couple poems to put up the first one needs some serious revising but thats ok.

Part of My Heart
I used to know u so well
we tlaked everyday
u told me everything
it felt like we were the same person
you completed me
and i loved you more than anything
...now not even a year later
i feel like you're a stranger
an acquaintance i once knew
we both hide it and pretend everything's the same
you still say "love ya lots"
but then tell me why are we so far apart?
now i'm half of me
because you still hold
the other part of my heart

Yours
I thought I needed a hug
now i know it had to be Your hug
I needed a hand to hold
not knowing it would never be good enough
unless it was Your hand
i needed a shoulder to cry on
Your shoulder just had to be the one
I wanted someone to hold me
but no one can the way You did
I need You here
no one else can fill the space
only You can make me whole again

so there they r. arent they wonderful? yea i kno i suck at writing but i love it so i dont care. *.....yopu found me when no one else was looking, how did u know just where I'd be?....*

Peace!
madelyn

Rant, in response

wow kinda surprised I haven't gotten into this issue yet, or any political issues really. I can guarantee I would have if i'd had this earlier in the year. alright here we go. this is for mike cuz he won't let me reply to his blog online so i'm doing it here. ok fyi all the stuff in quotes is from mike's blog, NOT my thoughts. I'm sry Mike if ur offended or anything but right now i could care less. God i dont even kno where to start, o how bout here: "libralism is mental disorder. that's all it is. it just corrupts and brainwashes" Nancy had a good response to this one: socceroxs15 (4:07:46 PM): ha what is republicalism....must b beyond torture if that's what liberalism is. lol! that's great. ok what next....i'll just start at the beginning of Mike's blog. he says that basically it's wrong to promote being gay or lesbian in a public school but the biggest reason he's against gays is because of religion and isn't it wrong to promote religion in a public school. umm Separation of church and state?! "homosexuallity is such a distortion of what is good. good is a man and a woman. no other combination! the bilding block of society is the nuclear family: a man, wife, and children." The building block of society is a perfect tv family ehh mike? with that sentence ur saying single parenting is wrong, and that if ur married u better have children and omg u have to get married! there's just so much wrong there it's crazy. but i'll move on. "today i heard someone say "homosexuality must be ok because God wouldn't create people just to damn them to Hell" true. u know y? because He gives us free will. free will to give in to homosexual acts or to shun them." now ur forcing someone to shun their feelings for someone because they are the both of the same sex, because it's just wrong?! I know you couldn't shun ur feelings mike so how do u expect others to do so?! "also the hearts of those children being adopted into a "family" of a gay couple will be healed. they take it a step further than their own lifestyle by corrupting more children into it" Mike i can seriously say the same thing to you if ur planning on telling your children that being gay is wrong. What would you do if 20 years from now your child told you they were gay, what you do? shun them from your world, tell them they're horrible, that they'll go to hell? that they can't be happy because being gay is WRONG?! "i think many gays do not get married because they enjoy their permiscuis lifestyl too much." ok maybe that's true altho they lifestyle is not "permiscuis" but there's also the fact that gays can only marry in 4 states in the U.S.: Vermont, California, Oregon and Mass. So it's not really that easy to marry. alright i g2g this will continue later. Adios.

*....trying to put my trust in you just takes so much outta me....*

don't stop dancing

you are cadetblue #5F9EA0

Your dominant hues are green and blue. You're smart and you know it, and want to use your power to help people and relate to others. Even though you tend to battle with yourself, you solve other people's conflicts well. Your saturation level is lower than average - You don't stress out over things and don't understand people who do. Finishing projects may sometimes be a challenge, but you schedule time as you see fit and the important things all happen in the end, even if not everyone sees your grand master plan. Your outlook on life can be bright or dark, depending on the situation. You are flexible and see things objectively.

the spacefem.com html color quiz

this is a good quiz, it actually fits my personality. anyways... more changes. god i realy need to learn to be more accepting of change. but how do u learn to do that?! idk, nothing huge but big enough to shake my little world. it's so strange, if someone asked me like 3 years ago if who i'd be friends with or about my "love life" or lack thereof these days or even about my family I never could have even imagined all this. It's so crazy. But I guess that's life and high school for ya, i mean not that i'm saying that it's bad just COMPLETELY different. Well all I know is you can't stop living cuz the change is too much. you just gotta keep on dancin. *....But I know I must go on Although I hurt I must be strong Because inside I know that many feel this way Am I hiding in the shadows? Forget the pain and forget the sorrows But I know I must go on Although I hurt I must be strong Because inside I know that many feel this way Children don't stop dancin Believe you can fly Away.....*

Keep on dancin!

Madelyn

*...Deeper Side...*

hey all. i said i would update later in the weekend so i am. my gymnastics meet went well, i got my highest all around but i didn't get a 9.0 on anything, 8.55 on beam and 8.7 on floor so still pretty good. Well like the last couple entries i really don't have much to say. I guess i have like no life right now. Oh well maybe this summer? It's not too far away! well i thought i'd add a poem even though it's old but it's something more to write.
You're like a drink ot an alcholic
A cigarette to a smoker
like money to the poor
once you get a taste you're always wanting more
But now you're not here
And I have nothing to fall back on
It feels like i'll only be able to get up when you come back to me
until then i'm lying here
waiting wishing wanting you
more than i ever have before

well there you have it, my wonderful poetry skills yet again. Almost time for Grey's anatomy-not sure y i like this show but it's kinda addiciting and i dont have anything else to do so y not? well till next time!

Madelyn

*...you'd rather tell me your an angel darlin than show me by floatin gracefully by...*

You'll Never Get Inside...A Girl's Mind

*.....You dont get, it dont c it, dont kno what i want, dont kno how i'm feelin... you got me all wrong boy, so dont u forget it, you'll never get inside a girl's mind!.........*
That's such a funny song. Anyways I don't have a whole lot to say. I've been in a good mood the last couple days which has been awesome. Hopefully it'll stay that way for my meet tomara. I'm pretty excited actually because it's our last of the season and i'm determined to get a 9.0 on something, anything but i really want one on floor. I think the whole not having school/nice weather/getting an actual night's sleep has had a lot to do with my recent mood. Ok so here I go with the daylog. Weds: Last day of school for the week, gymnastics practice, the usual. Thurs: Nancy and Katie came about 1, Went over to nancy's and did some major ddr. O and we also had a crazy frisbee game...cuz ya kno nancy and I are so good at that! ;-) Nancy slept over and we found a HUGE centipede in my basement so we didn't sleep there. We ended up squishing into my room which was better than sleeping with bugs. Today: nancy left. I hung around and watched tv and did hw til practice at 4. Well That's about all for now. Update later this weekend. Until then Adios Amigos!

You my Brown Eyed Girl!

do u remember when we used to sing SHA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA TE DA!
Uh I love love that song! It's my song...brwon eyed girl. ;) yea so i'm really happy now. I don't hate myself thanx to many ppl that luv me like lecturing me on how it aint my fault and i'm a good person. yay i love my friends! Anyways 3 day week this week! double yay! i think nancy's comion over on thursday and maybe katie too. and nancy and i are goin shoppin for mike's bday tonite and goin back to her crib for some rockin ddr. YES. well i g2g do hw and shower cuz the school has no AC so its friggin HOTT in there! Well ttyl. Sending out the love. I wish y'all could be as happy as me right now!

And that's the way the cookie crumbles!

~Madelyn

i hate myself I am a horrible person

I am terrible. I am selfish. I only worry about me and don't realize what the people around me are going through. *...I was blind but now I see....* I see that maybe for once he needs me instead of me always depending on him. Tonight I realized that all year I've been worrying about myself, me being depressed me loving someone i can never have, me not knowing if i was in love with him, me trying to sort out my feelings, me trying to deal when he told me he loved someone else. but did i ever think that maybe he depended on me just as much as I did him? Well I'm here for you now babe. I'm eternally sorry I wasn't before but now I am, i promise. I just want you to be happy even if it's with someone else's love. I can't be happy without you happy.

love, -whatever that is

Madelyn

*...all that i want is to be where you are...*

*...oh when you're cold i'll be there hold you tight to me when you're low i'll be there by your side baby...*

bittersweet symphony

i wish you could hear what I'm listening to right now. I love it! it's sad and wonderful and beautiful all at once. I officially love the verve's "bittersweet symphony" Kinda in a sad mood right now so this is a good song to listen to. idk hopefully i'll feel better once nancy and i hang out tonite. I feel really disconnected if thats the right word. Like I really wanna talk to katie and people cuz I haven't for so so long! *....and the night's so long and cold here without you....* anyways don't have much to say. I feel the need for a poem but don't have the creativity or sadness enough to write one. add it later.

*....you're no good for me but you're the only one I see...*