This pain is just too real...

hey everyone. tried to load a pic of me to put in my profile but it won't work so u can't see my beautiful face. tear. ; ) hmmm so i'm bored right now, all ym orch friends are at a spain meeting, god i'm jealous! i wanna go!!! and i'm like gettig sick so i haveno energy to do anything else. lookin forward to tomorrow for sure cuz its friday FINALLY and nancy and alicia and i are goin to katie's skate show. Should be fun. Kinda switchy moods today like at school i was kinda happy, it's thursday which means almost friday and i was happy with everything. got ta hang with some different people at lunch today which was cool cept for the aht test afterwards. : / but yea idk now i'm just like ehhhh. i dont like being like ehhhhhh. cuz i'm not tired enough to sleep but i don't have energy for anyting else. I can't even write a good blog entry. Really want school just to be over right now. I'm jealous john, ur done in like a week. we have like 3 more triple ehhhhhhh. so yea.....idk somewhat discouraged at the moment. not too happy with myself *...could u look me in the eye and tell me that ur happy now...* I can't keep friends which completely sucks. I can't express my feelings, i'm totally gunna end up with no one. Yea maybe a little over dramatic, but hey i'm a pessimist. God i miss amanda so much. i've tried to accept us not being friends like all year but i can't, yet i have no idea how to fix things or if i CAN fix things. We're just SO far apart now, like our lives are so different and so are our friends. But i'm not even kidding everytime i pass her in the hall and we give eachother that umm hi kinda smile it really makes me wanna just burst into tears. sometimes i think i actually will and others its just like omg what the hell happened but either way it makes me depressed. And then gymnastics....ugh......just not going so well these days. Like on monday everyhting went really well and i was like wow i could make seven like NEXT YEAR! which would be like AMAZING for me. but then yesterday I kept bauking on my flyaways and my body felt like it was falling apart and during strength i seriously thought i was gunna black out. And then missy was like if u keep bauking and dont start connecting routines it'll really be a set back for you. And it was just like thanks so much, really wanted to hear that right about now. But i guess you hafta have some downfalls and set backs because otherwise you wont enjoy success as much, because conquering something is amazing, like my beam dismount on monday, i FINALLY made like 4 by myself, which shouldn't be impressive but for me it is because that's like my biggest problem on beam. omg monday was like the best practice of my life. i luv krissy so much, she's so much more like a friend than missy is, to me at least. can't wait to go to camp this year cept for my stupid back. alright well this is plenty long and boring so i'll quit and try to go to bed. sweet dreams everyone.

madelyn

*.....cuz your presence still lingers here and it wont leave me alone, these wounds wont seem to heal this pain is just too real, there's just too much that time cannot erase....*